Feel better by sharing positive experiences with yourself and others

This time i want to write a few words about positive experiences and their impact on happiness…in the long-term. Most people know, that the perceived (subjective) feeling of happiness triggered by a positive event declines over time. I assume, that you are not smiling every day because of your holidays, which took place half a year ago.  If your chef awarded you a raise at work due to outstanding achievements, the smile on your face will probably last some days, only.

There is a mechanism called “capitalization” in order to keep up happiness after positive events.

Our brains are not or not completely able to distinguish between reality and fiction. In the following i assume, that thinking allows us to imagine any given (fictional) situation.
It might be a future success event, like a win in sports or an event which occured in the past. For example an event, which raised the positive subjective feeling of happiness, like a vacation, you have always dreamt of.

It leads to the first conclusion, that thinking of a (past) event might lead to the same (positive) reaction as really experiencing the event.

How does it work? It is all about the power of imagination.

So, does it mean, that we should do “flash-backs” every day by our own? In kind of  meditation state? No, of course not.
The good thing is, you don’t need to do it by your own. Talking is one way, to get into the thinking process. Though there are differences between cultures, talking is at least closely related to thinking (and sometimes vice versa)

* Our brain is not (completely) capable of distinguishing between reality and fiction. Thinking of an event might lead to similar perceived emotional reactions as the experience of an event
* Talking is strongly related to thinking

So what can we do about the decreasing subjective happiness after a positive event?

Researchers Gable et al. have found out, that sharing good news on positive events with another person is one of the most important processes for maintaining perceived happiness. They call this process “capitalization”.

3.1.1. Capitalizing on positive events

Capitalizing on positive events means telling others about positive events, for example. Telling others about positive events leads to higher positive affect and greater life satisfaction (p. 241).

Based on the assumption, that our brain is not able to distinguish between reality and fiction, it leads to the idea, that telling others about positive events is a re-experience of the event itself. It is highly probable, that talking about positive events is like a mediating factor, which leads to increased memory of the positive event in the long run.Happiness increases.

3.1.2. Side effect: Social capital

A positive thing attached to capitalizing on positive events is, that it may lead to a better perceived social capital. Long story short: others think that you are more attractive and have greater intention to get in contact and/or establish a relationship with you.

In the long-run, well-being of this relationship i highly probable to increase (S.241). Happiness increases, too.

3.2.1. Active & constructive response

Gable et al. point out, that the reaction/response of the listener is of highest importance, too. They classified possible responses into 4 categories. On the positive end of the scale one can find active and constructive responses. The negative end of the scale describes passive and destructive responses. The direct response has immediate effect on well-being on inter and intrapersonal level.

Passive and destructive responses might undermine the development of further well-being based on the positive event in question. The listener might show, that he or she does not value the event in question or the story-teller or that he or she is jealous, for example.

Active and constructive feedback on the other hand leads to the feeling of being understood and appreciated, which helps in building well-being and a good relationship

How to build active and constructive feedback is described on this page.

3.2.2. Side-effect: Conditioning

There is a positive thing attached within this dimension, too. From a behavioral point of view, giving active and positive responses is also a kind of reward. Immediate rewarding helps in strenghening desired behaviors (in behavioral psychologythis process is standard-knowledge and psychologists call it “Operant conditioning“).

What does this mean? Simply speaking: Imagine being a child back in the days: if you clean-up your room and proudly tell your parents about it, positive feedback and a possible reward has led to a higher chance of repeating the clean-up behaviour.

One might call it “learning new and desired habits”. This is actually the process how dogs learn new things. Therefore active and constructive feedback not only leads to a better outcome for the story-teller and the relationship, but also helps enabling the story-teller to open up and be more confident about positive events in the future.

At work, one should create time and space, which enables colleagues to share positive experiences, as to what extent they have achieved predefined goals, for example. It might strenghen customer satisfaction, creation of new solutions etc. It should be an environment, where everybody is open to say everything. An environment, where others offer instant active and constructive feedback.

One might say, that not everybody is willing to open up or speak positively about yourself. This is why it is less important to encourage or even force people directly to open up about positive experiences. It is more important to create an environment, where people encourage telling about positive events and whoever is willing to speak is free to speak.

As we as humans tend to increase our own positive perception, providing active and constructive feedback, shows “shy” individuals, that opening up is rewarded. Strengthening one’s position and strengthening one’s perceived standing within a defined group.

Idea: Create a TGIF (=Thank God it’s friday) meeting at the end of the last day of the week. Ask for low- and highlights. Let the attendees decide if they want to open up.

In private context, in particular in traditional western family context, one might not have such a big group of grown-ups at the table of “story-telling”. Still it is also important, to create the described environment. Even when it is a 1-on-1 situation.

Of course, one might say, that the group (eg. family) is already talking about daily events. But in everyday life, some obvious things are forgotten. One of the obvious things, which might be forgotten, is constructive and active feedback. Hapiness can be pursued proactively in a family context, too.

I do have the habit to dive into a good book or an interesting lecture on Youtube, which leads to disrupted ability to listen actively to my partner. When talking while preparing for work, we don’t show the necessary concentration to be active and constructive. The concentration might be disturbed. Sometimes one might be held in his thoughts or his mobile phone.

This is why it is of highest importance, to create the environment (time & space), where opening up and providing feedback is on top of the consciousness list.