Conflict resolution – an overview

This blog post is an extension or holistic illustration of the first article on conflicts and conflict resolution.

Conflict resolution aims to resolve a phenomenon consisting of conflicting views, decisions or needs of individuals or groups. So the question arises in advance, what are conflicts?

A conflict in itself can be described as follows: At a certain point in time two different tendencies, attitudes, concepts and ideas, views, beliefs, interests, goals, values, feelings or simply perception of reality collide. This difference is not accepted by the parties and there is a collision, a dispute.

A conflict arises when:

– two or more parties which are dependent on each other
– incompatible differences (interests, needs, values)
– neither Party can achieve the objectives without the participation or consent of the other Party
– the parties are blocking the realisation of their ambitions

What are the most common causes of conflict:

– Communication error
– unmet needs, expectations,
– functioning in a specific social role
– Need to maintain a positive self-esteem
– Stereotypes & Misunderstandings
– Errors in the perception of people and situations
– Every conflict situation is characterized by the presence of strong, difficult emotions.

Conflicts are social phenomena that have always existed and will continue to exist in every community. When we look at psychological issues, we can also distinguish inner conflicts. Sigmund Freud sees the cause as the eternal clash of levels such as the id, ego and superego. He also claimed that defense mechanisms are necessary for a person to be able to deal with internal conflicts.

Types of conflict:

– Data conflict,
– Conflict of values,
– Relationship conflict
– Conflict of interest,
– structural conflict,
– Intrapsychic (inner) conflict.

According to Glasl there are different stages of hardening of a conflict.

Degrees of conflict hardening:

– WIN-WIN Situation: mutually beneficial
– WIN-LOSE Situation: one side benefits
– LOSE-LOSE Situation: neither side benefits

In detail, these hardening stages look as follows:

– WIN-WIN Situation: mutually beneficial
1. hardening: attempts at cooperation and the formation of incidental tensions: each side of the conflict adopts its own positions, which are clearly formulated, but there is still room for appropriate and constructive discussion
2. Polarisation of positions and style of debate: black-and-white thinking of those involved in the conflict who perceive the opposing party as a competitor
3. Interaction through actions, not words: when speaking no longer helps to convince the other party that one is right, non-verbal signs (e.g. closed doors, no greeting) become increasingly important

– WIN-LOSE Situation: one side benefits
4. Concern for image and coalition: the essence of the conflict recedes into the background, now it is a matter of unjustifiably discrediting the opponent, putting oneself in a better light and rehabilitating oneself in other areas
5. Loss of face (and moral indignation): Publicly attacking the opponent aggressively, “damaging” his reputation
6. The dominance of strategies based on fear: The conflict parties resort to intimidation of the opponent with threats, these threats must be real

– LOSE-LOSE Situation: neither side benefits
7. Systematic, destructive campaigns against the opposition: The other side is not understood as a “person”, hence the implementation of threats that lead to a change in the value of the opponent
8. Attacks against the emotional balance of the enemy: the destruction of the emotional system
9. Total destruction and suicide: the total war from which there is no way out, by destroying the enemy with the most aggressive means

The following solution approaches in the individual phases are possible and recommended:

– Level 1-3: Mediation
– Level 3-5: Processual guidelines
– Level 4-6: sociotherapeutic counselling process
– Level 5-7: Agency
– Level 6-8: Arbitration
– Level 7-9: Forced intervention

Conflicts can also arise between private individuals and companies, for example when a sales contract has been concluded.
Exemplary services that mediate between parties of a sales contract are Paypal & eBay, which have their own contact points to mediate between buyer & seller:

– Paypal: https://www.paypal.com/de/webapps/mpp/resolution-help
– Ebay: https://resolutioncenter.ebay.de/

However, this will not be discussed in the following article.

Typically, the following terms can also be used as a synonym for conflict resolution:
problem solving, compromise solution, solution path, conflict management and similar solution-oriented terms.

In psychology, as in conflict resolution, a prior diagnosis of the current situation is indispensable. The diagnosis can be described as the art of differentiation through indirect cognition. It is the recognition of a state and its developmental tendencies based on the symptoms and based on the knowledge of general rules.

In the first step it is important to describe the situation and the context.

Factors that enable contextual evaluation:

– The issues: Description of the conflict in terms of content
– The conflict parties: who with whom?
– The obiective description: what are the facts
– The development: What is the course of the conflict
– Evaluation: What is the outcome of the conflict

1. Avoidance
You pretend that nothing happened. This attitude says: I don’t care about anything, I just want it to stop! One does not perceive the conflict; one does not agree to the slightest interaction. The result: The needs of both sides are not satisfied, nobody reaches the goals.

2. Concession

The essence of this strategy is passivity, concessions, the desire to accommodate the other side. We give up our needs, we prefer to ease the situation. When it comes to victory, the other side takes everything and we take nothing. For the sake of peace and quiet, to protect the relationship or because the superiority of the law of the other party is recognized, we give up and sacrifice our needs completely.

3. Confrontation/Rivality
You challenge to a duel! Competition, struggle, rivalry. It’s an extreme strategy where you do everything at the expense of the other side.

4. Compromise
You give in a little. You fulfill some of your own goals, so that some of the goals can be fulfilled by the other party. It seems great, but at the same time there is the possibility of dissatisfaction and although there are no losers, the victories are only worth half.

5. Cooperation
Both sides are looking for common solutions that will enable each of them to achieve their goals and meet their needs. There are no losers. Cooperation usually pays off for everyone, but it is difficult, requires time, goodwill and conscious effort.

In a situation of conflicting needs, where each party is striving for something different, we are confronted with one of the following strategies, as described above: “win-lose”, “lose-lose” and “win-win”.

Thomas Gordon, author of numerous books on education, distinguishes the following types of attitudes of parents in conflict situations.

It is important to note that the following systems and procedures are absolutely applicable to conflict situations outside families:

– The winners: Believe in the power of commands & rewards. Orders effect obedience without getting involved in discussions. Conflicts always end with a victory over the child. Such parents “always know better” and act “for the good of the child”.

– The defeated: Give in to the child in a conflict situation. Avoid prohibitions and fulfill every wish.

– The nodding candidates: Those who don’t consistently take any of the positions are winners one time, they give in to the kid another time. Sometimes they are extremely strict, sometimes irresponsibly indulgent. This attitude leads to confusion for children and frustration for adults.

The latter two attitudes are based on a win-lose strategy, because parents do not know how to resolve conflicts without pointing out who is the best.

The win-win method or the method without losers: As a result of resolving the conflict with this method, neither party is a winner or a loser. The solution is satisfactory for all. The parent asks the child to work with the child to find a mutually acceptable solution to the conflict. Both can suggest possible solutions, which are then critically evaluated by them. Both parties ultimately decide which solution is best for the child.

There are six steps of the so-called “no fail” method:

1. identify and name the conflict
2. show the child that you understand feelings and needs:
3. develop solutions together.
4. criticise proposed solutions.
5. decide on the best solutions.
6. execute the decision you have made.

Sometimes conflicts are inevitable. In a team of employees, when contacting the customer or in stormy discussions with colleagues and superiors. The important question is with which approach you start the conversation and how you lead the discussion. Can you communicate with wisdom, wisdom and the ability to find a compromise?

In his book “How to Make Friends and unfluence people”, Dale Carnegie presented key elements that can be useful in a conversation in which there are differences of opinion:

– Reflection: First think about why you have a disagreement and do not approach it with a negative attitude.
– Do not jump to conclusions: – in a discussion, defending one’s own opinion is a reflex, which may not always be right.
– Solution orientation: look for solutions to the situation.
– Stay relaxed: Try to control your temper
– Listen carefully: give your interviewer a chance to speak
– Finding common ground: Try to find common interests, positive aspects of the person you’re talking to.
– Honesty and clarity: Be honest with yourself and think about whether your statement could be ambiguous
– Openness to your own mistakes: Do not be afraid to admit that you have made a mistake and agree with your interlocutor on certain questions
– Openness: If the subject is difficult, promise to think about it, analyse it and refer to it
– Gratitude: Thank you sincerely for the conversation, whether you reach an agreement or not.

The school situation is very complex. Conflicts can arise between different participants, e.g. between teachers and teachers, teachers and pupils, teachers and parents, parents and parents, etc.

Becker describes a process model for solution finding:

1. definition and description of the conflict
2. emotional influence of the conflict on conflict parties
3. raising the fact that a conflict exists
4. select conflict resolution mechanism
5. questioning the parties to the conflict in order to gather information
6-7 Causal research via various sources
8. change of perspective to build up empathy & understanding
9. common objective of conflict resolution
10. joint definition of possible courses of action
11. joint examination of possible courses of action
12. develop and implement an action plan
13. evaluation of success

There are different methods that can be used, depending on the phase you are in. Already discussed in the previous chapters are methods of the Thomas Kilman model, ideas according to Dale Carnegie and the Gordon model.

However, conflicts can also be dealt with from a different position, namely before conflicts even occur.

Some measures, which may be of a preventive nature, are:

– Define transparent framework conditions
– Communicate a transparent framework and debate openly
– Define principles of open debate & feedback culture
– Implementation of an open debate & feedback culture
– Describing, reflecting & optimizing own & common conditions together
– Creation of possibilities for secret feedback

The best known traditional conflict resolution techniques are

– avoidance (retreat, escape);
– postponement of conflicts;
– mitigation (adaptation, peaceful coexistence);
– extortion (rivalry, dominance);
– majority rule;
– interference of third parties

The best known new conflict resolution techniques are:

– Compromise;
– reconciliation;
– confrontation meeting;
– definition of overarching objectives;
– disclosure of common interest;
– call for tender;
– negotiations;
– mediation;
– arbitration;
– hierarchical decisions;
– appeal strategy;
– strategy for rebuilding the system;
– Image exchange meeting

The essence of mediation is to resolve a dispute through a mediator or a third party moderating a discussion.
However, the role in conflict resolution is not to impose ready-made solutions on the parties, but to create favourable conditions for discussion, to get to know the motives and arguments of the other party, to calmly consider the contentious issues and to reach a consensus.

Here are some principles that increase the effectiveness of the mediation approach:

– Voluntariness – the participants in the conflict must express their willingness to reach a mutually agreed solution to the conflict.
– Confidentiality – the mediator and the parties to the conflict should not disclose information obtained during the mediation to third parties
– Impartiality – each party is treated equally by the mediator.
– Neutrality – the mediator maintains the balance with regard to the cause of the conflict.
– Decision neutrality – the mediator cannot decide on the outcome of the dispute. The parties to the conflict decide on the position of the mediator in the mediation process

Principles of active speaking and active listening, as basic principles in coaching as well as in psychology, I have already described in my blog post on communication.
Communication is the process of verbal or nonverbal exchange of information between two individuals. It shapes the relationships between people. Communication is always two-way, i.e. the person who sends information to the other person, i.e. the sender, becomes the recipient of the feedback.

A similar situation applies to the person who sends a reply. Information or messages can be communicated in different ways. We communicate with words – this is verbal communication, while we communicate with signals, then it is non-verbal communication.

Here are some principles of good – active listening:

– Without words, show that you are listening and trying to understand the person you are talking to. Without words means, e.g. turn to your conversation partner, look for eye contact from time to time
– Try to identify the intentions and feelings of your interlocutor by paying attention to the verbal and non-verbal signals.
– Put yourself in the situation of your conversation partner, put yourself in his or her position.
– Make sure that you understand the content and the intention of your interlocutor. Repeat the most important thoughts in your own words.
– Interrupt only if necessary, do not rush your partner, give advice only if absolutely necessary, do not ignore your partner.
– Be transparent when it comes to your own opinions and feelings
– To communicate effectively, ask questions. Apply the journalistic rule of the seven questions (who, what, where, when, how, why, from where).
– Use different types of questions

The basic element of education and upbringing of children is learning how to deal with problems and conflicts. For this to happen, children should express their feelings, develop communication skills and tolerance. They should get used to teamwork, sometimes thinking of themselves, sometimes thinking of the common good. Children should learn to behave in a way that makes future & repeated playing with other children more likely.

The Alpha model is a rough model to describe the phases for the processing and transparent representation of a conflict
https://www.ifb.de/kommunikation/wissen-infos/konfliktmanagement/konfliktloesungsmodelle/konfliktloesungsmodell-alpha

The feedback model is a model that describes how to communicate the specific states of a conflict without provoking further escalation.
https://www.ifb.de/kommunikation/wissen-infos/konfliktmanagement/konfliktloesungsmodelle/konfliktloesungsmodell-gespraechsfuehrung

The Harvard model is a model that focuses on obiective facts and the respective subjective interests of the conflict parties involved, as well as the elaboration of joint proposals for solutions.
https://www.advocard.de/streitlotse/arbeit-und-karriere/konflikte-loesen-mit-dem-harvard-konzept-in-4-schritten/

Regardless of whether the child is calm, nice and quiet, or on the contrary, malicious, easily irritated and passionately argues (about everything, with everyone), it is impossible to eliminate from one’s life situations in which the child is confronted with different positions.
That is why it is worth investing – to ensure that the child is able to act in conflict situations, that it does not feel like a defenceless victim, but also that it does not draw strength from the fact that it is an aggressor.

Typical conflict situation in a family context in which children are involved:

– The child has bad grades.
– The child does not want to talk to his parents.
– The child runs away from school.
– The child has friends that his parents do not tolerate.
– The child does not want to help at home.
– The child lies, steals, etc.
– The parents have no work.
– The parents divorce.
– There is no one to take care of the child because parents work late, for example.
– The parents have no time for the child.
– There is a serious illness in the family.
– Alcoholism etc.

Furthermore: In school, we often use the so-called criminal justice system to resolve conflicts between pupils, i.e. we focus on punishing the offender and not on resolving the conflict or making good the damage or loss caused.

Here are some basic approaches for parents:

– Having rules, respecting values and respecting boundaries – showing which behaviour is acceptable and which is unacceptable Not being tolerant and not reacting to behaviour that is unacceptable. Simultaneously supporting and affirming the child.
– Lead the child in a spirit of respect: Otherness and differences are okay. Also accept the child, give him a chance for self-development, express his individuality, do not restrict him too much, let him make decisions and learn to take decisions and responsibility.
– Talk – about different situations from everyday life, but also about those that happened to others – to the children. Also discuss characters from fairy tales or series.
– Let the child feel the negative emotions. It is not that anger, resentment or jealousy are bad. Emotions are just there, they usually have a certain reason and we have to accept or even use them. We cannot influence their appearance. But it is important – and it is up to us,  what we do with them.
– Never force an apology, especially if the conflict continues. It does not end the conflict by any means, but it causes frustration and does not ease the tension.
– Teach your child to express himself. Let him talk: about his emotions, his right, his position. Open, honest but also calm conversations, discussions, negotiations promote assertiveness, empathy and respect for others, which are the key to solving disputes.
– letting the child deal with the misunderstanding itself – resolving conflicts, looking for solutions, trying to get along on his own – brings the child the most. Even if a parent can do something for their child very quickly, this approach will not teach them anything. If your child has made several attempts to resolve difficulties with siblings or colleagues and still cannot communicate, encourage your child to follow your advice.
– Reduce your emotions – try to reduce your emotions in an acute conflict situation
– Help the child to understand the behaviour of others – show the perspective of another person, try to understand their motives and needs, can help the child to deal with conflict

Conflicts between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law are legendary. Sometimes it happens that disputes develop into protracted conflicts. How do you get out of an unpleasant situation?
Parents, mothers and fathers, love their children endlessly, so they make every effort to make their children happy. Mothers are to be emphasized here once again because of the special relationship.

When a daughter-in-law criticizes her husband, her mother-in-law often feels insulted. After all, a man’s attitude depends largely on what he has brought with him from his parental home. By pointing out the partner’s mistakes, we accuse the mother-in-law of making mistakes. Conversely, life partners resemble each other. If you criticize your partner, you accuse your daughter-in-law of making mistakes. Two things are important. Understanding for the other side as well as the good words of the partner involved, who is standing between the chairs.

A conflict in a relationship can arise for a variety of reasons, e.g. misunderstandings, disregard for the needs of the other, poor communication or lack of clarity about the respective roles. All types of conflict can be reduced to a common denominator, namely a conflict of interest.

The conflict can be divided into the following phases:

1. a premonition of a dispute: a gradual escalation of tensions leading to the conclusion that “something is wrong
2. mutual animosity: a feeling of misunderstanding, frustration, blame, recrimination
3. conflict: the culmination of the conflict in the form of a stormy exchange of opinions, in which negative emotions The parties to the conflict do not listen to their arguments and tend to blame and shout at each other;
4. silence: enables constructive communication in which emotions can be separated from rational arguments for the respective position. Silence is the first step towards agreement;
5. agreement: Confrontation of positions and working out a common solution to a dispute.

The “I” message as a method for conflict resolution:

Constructive communication is essential for working out an agreement. The “I” message is a form of expressing one’s own feelings, wishes and convictions that does not provoke the other party and does not make them responsible for what we feel and think. For example, instead of “You are annoying me” – “I am nervous” – the “I” message can be constructed in the following way.

The following form is often also used as a method of formulating feedback:

1. I feel – a statement of feelings or beliefs. Describe your feelings, e.g. anger, sadness, disappointment, regret etc.
2. if you – state a certain behaviour Describe neutrally the behaviour of your partner that causes the problem.
3. because – state consequences/values. Describe the consequences you have for your partner’s behaviour. Stay with the ego perspective
4. I would like – to formulate a goal. Say what you want. For example..: I want to feel valued. If you let me finish, I will have the opportunity to feel appreciated

Typical conflict situations in companies or in the world of work are encouraged by certain factors. These include::

– Interdependence in the achievement of objectives: the greater this interdependence, the greater the necessary coordination effort and the greater the potential for conflict. One solution is to highlight the common goal
– Different goals: Especially if you pursue different personal or business goals, it is quite possible that you may collide with each other
– Competition for limited resources: Especially in the case of limited resources and different goals or competing goals, conflicts can arise
– Interpersonal & emotional conflicts: Sometimes people with certain personalities simply cannot work with people of other personality types, have no trust in each other.
– Non-transparent favouritism: certain employees by managers
– Confrontation: failure to comply with certain unwritten group laws